Reason #2 - He's just not that into...me.
I read this book last year and it was sensational - hysterically funny and poignant in parts, as it dissected a handful of relationship do's and don'ts. After too many coffee chats on the topic, and seeing an interview with the author on Oprah (the source of all 'good' relationship info - pls note the sarcasm) I decided to head out and see what all the fuss was about over the latest pop psych book on the enigma that is men and women.Once you get over the Americanism's and the worldly language, the basic premise of the book is that if a guy is into you - he'll ask you out. Sounds obvious huh (the boys are thinking 'well yes') but, as the infamous Sex and The City episode also said (which is where the book came from and out of) - girls waste hours of time thinking through and trying to understand the strategies of men wondering if the guys are playing a bit of a game. We say things to each other like: he's shy/nervous/intimidated; he's getting over a bad relationship; he's busy with his job/sport/anything else... blah blah blah. The author (a straight shooting male) says that this is basically crap and that women need to realise that if a guy is really into you - he'll ask you out. That even if perhaps they are nervous, they like the challenge and will some how work out a way to try and be with you - letting no job, sport or mountain get in their way. No ifs or buts...
Actually it's a pretty liberating philosophy. There are guys that I'm either interested in romantically, or not. In no way does it lessen the way that I value them - and hopefully vice versa. Ironically (because it comes from the worlds viewpoint and not a biblical one - but on second thought maybe it's a worldly viewpoint because there is a fundamental biblical truth to it!) it also frees me up to be feminine in the way that, I think, God intended me to be. I don't have to do, question or try and read into anything because the guy who is interested, will be the one who does something about it.
Which will lead me to #3 soon...
posted by jodi @ 10:49 pm
14 Comments:
At 7:59 pm,
Lachlan Payne said…
I worry about you, Jodi, when you are taking cues from Oprah and Sex & The City!
At 8:20 pm,
jodi said…
i did say note the sarcasm...
At 1:13 am,
Louisa Claire said…
Do you think this applies to Christian guys? I always found that it was the non-Christian guys who had no problem asking me out or expressing interest, but the Christians ones were completely silent. Even my wonderful husband insisted (and still insists!) that were just friends during what I call the 6 months of courtship before we started officially going out...but that's another story. What's with Christian guys and their.....? I hesitate even to put a word to it because I really don't understand what it is (though hesitation, fear, expectation-that-you -have-to-marry-any-person-you-go-on -one-date-with [or the thought/reality that that's what the girl thinks] - are some of the options that come to mind)
Is this just me or is there something different about Christian guys (apart from the fact they love Jesus)?
What about the Christian culture in general - and the expectations regarding marriage? I remember feeling that I was on the shelf at 21! What impact does this have on relationships or the potential for a relationship?
Sorry if I am getting sidetracked or skipping ahead...These are just some thoughts coming to mind as I remember the emotions of that time in my life...
Blessings to you Jodi as you share and encourage others with your journey.
At 1:15 am,
Louisa Claire said…
p.s. I should say I totally agree that you don't have to worry! With God involved in the process, in the end the right guy will be the one to make the move (or reciprocate if you make it) & it's definitely worth the wait!!!
At 1:17 am,
Louisa Claire said…
p.p.s. I should also say that my initial comment wasn't a criticism of Christian guys - just a difference in culture that I've never been able to understand. I'd love to be enlightened.
That's enough qualifications for now.
Good night all.
At 11:34 am,
Lachlan Payne said…
In defense of my brothers:
To be fair, for every criticism you could make of Christian guys you could make an equal criticism of Christian girls.
But I won't get into that ...
At 12:04 pm,
Martin Kemp said…
Ah yes ... he's just not that into you. It's a book which speaks of an important truth, but if I remember correctly is more concerned with interpreting patterns of established relationships rather than the "is he interested?" question; ie if he never makes an effort, if he never calls etc, then he's just not that into you and its time to dump him.
But it's been a while, and I only just glanced through it, so my memory could be faulty. But I do think the thesis that men will always ask if they are interested is a little simplistic.
A for why Christian men are wussy...I think it's unfair to compare them to the non-believing guys who seem bolder. First of all, there are non-christian guys who are shy, and you often just see the ones who are bold, so it's not like we're using a fair population sample here. Secondly, there is a massive diffrence between the ways non-christian men and christian men talk about women when there are no females around. I find that Christian men are thinking about the long term implications of relationships, while many non-believers are thinking in the here and now, and often in overtly sexual ways. When you don't think long term and when you want something in the here and now you can afford to be a little bolder. Conversley when you are thinking long term and when you do care about the feelings of the other half and when you don't want to use them then you are likely to be more cautious.
And the "don't worry, he'll just ask you out, therefore I will do nothing" business, I'm not sure that's femininity. The book of Ruth is an eyeopener and I think provides a good model for how men and women can interact with regard to this issue. Boaz shows us responisble, sensitive male leadership, yet both Ruth and Naomi both show themselves to be far from the passive type. Note also that Boaz is shy and doesn't seem to think that Ruth would be interested! But Ruth is proactive, and Boaz then steps up to the plate.
My fear is that we are teaching our women to use 'femininity' as an excuse for timidity (and perhaps even laziness) when as children of God we should be filled with boldness and confidence. And I'm not just talking about asking boys out either.
At 5:10 pm,
jodi said…
Whoa! Ok - a couple of responses...
Firstly I want to clear up any misunderstanding, or misinterpretation, that I might be writing any of these things because I am 'worried' or concerned about currently being single. I'm just making a couple of my own observations about why I may be at the moment.
Louisa - to a certain extent, yes I think that this post relates to Christian guys although I do agree with some of Marty's thoughts about short term vs long term thinking (although I'll get to that in a minute).
Lachlan - I really hope you're not serious about feeling as though you need to 'defend your brothers' because in NO way have I meant to imply that (as Marty wrote) 'men are wussy' (but to be honest I don't even know where that came from). I have too much respect for my Christian brothers to knowingly think or imply that kind of generalisation. So I'm truly sorry if any male reading this has also had that impression. This was NOT a post lamenting guys not taking action - it was simply about a level of interest that DOES motivate someone to take action.
Marty - you read/have the book??? I do agree with some of your observations so a couple of corrections if I may: I think the author was writing from the perspective of casual dating which leads into a relationship, and that he is predominantly writing to women who are looking for answers as to why a guy may be hesitate about getting into or committing to a relationship. But perhaps I should have written that rather than just 'he'll ask you out'.
Also, please note that I said 'feminine in the way that God intended ME to be'. And, for me, a part of that femininity is not that i am 'passive' or 'timid' (nor for that matter are they characteristics that i would hope to teach to the girls that i minister to). I can sort of see how you would get that from my last sentence on the post, but my intent was more to convey that this philosophy is more freeing than having to be one of those girls (like I have been in previous years) who spent far to long worrying or trying to read into how some guy feels about me.
At 5:44 pm,
Lachlan Payne said…
Nope I was speaking in defense of guys in response to the comments, rather than the post.
At 8:03 pm,
Martin Kemp said…
I glanced through the book in a shop once, so your clarification is helpful, thanks.
The 'wussy' bit was really in response to louisa's comment. Reading back over I realise that I was firing from the hip, sorry. I still think there's a whole bunch of stuff to think through here, particularly the way we think and speak about gender. I just don't think our current models really work that efficiently. So if I sounded like I was having a go, then it wan't so much at your post jod, just at the whole darn thing.
At 9:10 pm,
jodi said…
No worries Marty - you are right, it is a sensitive issue which is the main reason why I want to be clear that this is just about me and my experiences - I don't want to fall into the trap of being too general! That's the difficulty with blogs thought isn't it? There is only so much that I can write on any given topic - compared to the hours that I have spent (and probably still will spend) talking with others about these types of matters.
Maybe you should write a post sometime (on your own blog of course) about what you think better models would be? I for one, would be very curious to read what you have to say.
At 1:23 pm,
Louisa Claire said…
Hi folks, seems I've caused some commotion. I wasn't intending to imply that Christian guys are wussy - in fact, I was trying not to use a word that would imply that. I was, and am, just curious as to what Christian men think about relationships. In the various Christian contexts I have been in there has been a (seeming) hesitation on the part of Christian men ask Christian girls out & I have never understood this. I now realise that starting the sentence with 'what's with Christian guys...' did away with the good intentions of the rest of the sentence which was trying to AVOID naming something that I don't understand. SORRY!
Marty, thanks for your comments about the different thought processes involved of Christian and non-Christian guys & the shy vs. bold guy, both very helpful points to make!
Lachlan, you don't need to defend your brothers because they aren't under attack!
Please let me clarify - I am not calling Christian guys wussy. I am seeking to understand how Christian guys think about relationships and whether it is a fair or shared observation/experience that Christian guys & girls don't easily ask each other out.
The post was talking about a book which says that if a guy is keen he will ask you out, and if he doesn't then he's just not interested. It's been my experience and observation that this doesn't happen as readily in the Christian context as it does in the secular and so as the book is about a secular context my question is this - guys is this right? Will you ask a girl out if you are keen or is there more to is than that?
Can I ask a favour at this point, if this comment could be read in a way that sounds rude & critical of Christian men, or in a way that sounds friendly & inquisitive - please give me the benefit of the doubt. I am after the latter, not the former and apologise if I haven't mastered the art of 'friendly blog tone' just yet!!
At 2:22 pm,
jodi said…
hey lousia - thanks for coming back and giving some clarity as to where you were coming from
At 10:43 pm,
Katie said…
I agree with what the others have said, ie the philosophy cited by the book seems very simplistic, and also the view of the guy (so whether he is thinking long term or not) does seem to have a bearing on whether guys will act on their feelings (at least, that's what it looks like from my perspective - correct me if I'm wrong). I'm someone who has worried about this stuff on and off for years, and as much as I'd like to say that I don't think about it anymore, I couldn't. But Jodi, I think you've made a good point that worrying about it doesn't really achieve a great deal in the grand scheme of things. I mean, it's all part of God's providence isn't it Jodi? (Shameless reference to ETC there!)
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