for those who don't want to just wait it out

like the song says this is a blog for someone who wants to say something (anything) and who's happy to wait and see what time will bring...

Tuesday, August 29, 2006

I WON I WON I WON!!!

So it may be a little bad of me to boast, but I did promise some in the chill room that this one would make it to my blog. For those not in the know, the 'chill room' is something that Credo students put on every Tuesday afternoon after our public meetings, with the main aim of being able to bring friends along who aren't Christians so that they can meet other Christians - and as a secondary aim of just hanging out and building community at UTS.
This afternoon, I took on the foozeball challenge and - having never played before - I took Morgs down! 9-8. It was close, but no so close at the start cos I had to come back from being 6-0 down.... beginners luck won out in the end.
In other random news, midnight last night saw me doing an emergency water change in my fish tank cos I realized I was poisoning them with toxidity and I had to restrain Vadar from head butting the original 4 (Have I told you about Vadar? My new Blackmoore fish? 5 times the size of the others all put together? Not the wisest combo on my part...). But they're still alive. One more month and I beat my record!

Saturday, August 26, 2006

"I'm not me anymore. At least, I'm not the me I was"

This one of the last lines in "Motorcycle Diaries" which I watched for the first time tonight. I've wanted to see it for a long time - so I figured that since I had to be at home on a Saturday night to finish off a seminar paper on contentment (oh the irony...) I'd have it on whilst I worked away. Silly, naive little girl....

It was about 2 mins into the movie before I abandoned the seminar. I was entranced.
From the beginning it had appeal and resonance. Since 1997 I haven't really settled down to anything for anymore that two years at a time. Could just be circumstantial, but some would call it boredom, some wanderlust...discontentment.... either way, the idea of packing up and heading off into the unknown to learn more about who I am and what my place is in the world always holds appeal - so watching it vicariously through two Latino Americans seemed a pretty easy given.

True to life, as the movie unfolded so did the complexity of what was revealed to us about the two men and the world in which they lived. I think 'gritty' would be a good word to describe the movie as a whole. There were times that I was uncomfortable watching it. The raw nakedness of their discontentment - their frustration, confusion, anger and inner-turmoil was only made easier by glimpses of humour with their accidents and by the grace that was shown as they started to really see who they were, and the men that they wanted to become, and reflected in the eyes of the people that they were serving (in particular with the lepers on the island - which is also the scene that this photo comes from as the guys embrace life and what it's offering them at that point in time).

Where is the irony I hear you ask? mmm ok, maybe it's just me, but it seems to me that the whole movie is about gaining contentment (through adventure, sexual expression, money, social status etc). And you know what I think - they never actually get there...

So - big question, how do I 'get' contentment? Are there times when it is right and wrong to be discontent? I think that it's right to be discontent when it's being discontent with your own ungodliness/sin or that of others. Not in an arrogantly judgmental way, but in the way that knows that this life isn't as it should be, and that as fallen sinful human beings we don't live our lives the way that we should - and we want better. We want restoration. We want heaven. And if we don't, then I think we have a pretty low view of what God wants to offer us. Perhaps contentment is really just trusting that through no matter what, God does want (and offers) better for His people - and so we are content with the day to day drudgery knowing that the banquet awaits. Or is that too simplistic?

The boys on the bike leave home because they're unsatisfied with what their experience of life is thus far, and are looking for the world and what it has to offer them. I know what the world wants to offer - and I know that it isn't good enough for me without Jesus in the picture.

But for all that - watch the movie! I loved it, and if nothing else, it'll get you thinking.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Spring (or global warming) is in the air...

Ok - so now I'm just annoyed. This is the 5th time that I've tried to get this post up - each time I load a photo my whole system just crashes - is it just me??? Is anyone else in blog land having this problem?

Just so you know, I did have a cool post about how happy everyone seems to have been the last couple of days with the weather... blah blah blah.... And I had pictures....

now you get me being frustrated. Sorry just had to vent a little.

UPDATE: (20 hrs later)
So now it's working! Here are the pictures is was going to post


Just so you know, I risked my life to get this photo... those bees buzzing around could have killed me

And this is from Saturday night just gone when we went out for Penny's birthday - you're looking at the creative talents of Marty in action


And the final update for you - I asked mum to come to Katoomba Womens Convention - she said yes!

(PS new photos on flickr too)

Sunday, August 20, 2006

For the class of '97...

I was driving home tonight with AJ, one of the girls that I went through high school with and it was nice to reminisce about some things that we'd been through over the years - in particular with Julie (who I mentioned from last weekend) as our bible study leader. It got me thinking about some highlights, and 1997 was just one of those years.

Since coming back from that study camp a couple of months ago, I've been doing a lot of reminiscing. About a year and a half ago I was driving to Macquarie shops with Justin Moffat (can't remember the why only the where) and he asked me - "what were the defining years of your life so far?". Without question, 2000 was the year that has defined me thus far (for reasons which may or may not be disclosed in future posts) - but '97, the year that I when I was in yr 12, was also a very good year...

I became more comfortable 'in my own skin' (name that movie)
I became more confident in the woman that God would continually shape me to be
I trusted my peers less and myself more (and that was a good thing)
I finished school
I learnt how to say "no" so the "yes's" had a lot more value
I got my license
I spent my summer holidays at the beach, in particular at the Newport arms...

It was that carefree time in life when it was ok to become like a stalker at midnight and when you could start to make those decisions that could affect the rest of your life - the good, bad, ugly and the glorious.

On camp, Mark (who I'd also been through yr 12 with) asked if I remembered what our year 12 songs had been. Since I couldn't, I did a google search - here are the top 5 and some of my personal fav's to laugh at and reminisce over (for whatever reason, I don't necessarily like all of them!). It's amazing how songs jog memories isn't it?

1. Candle In The Wind 1997, Elton John
2. Foolish Games / You Were Meant For Me, Jewel
3. I'll Be Missing You, Puff Daddy and Faith Evans
4. Un-Break My Heart, Toni Braxton (are you kidding me! how on earth did that get to the tope 5???)
5. Can't Nobody Hold Me Down, Puff Daddy
10. Wannabe, Spice Girls
15. Bitch, Meredith Brooks
17. Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind
36. All For You, Sister Hazel
38. Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?, Paula Cole
39. Sunny Came Home, Shawn Colvin
55. If It Makes You Happy , Sheryl Crow
60. Everyday Is A Winding Road, Sheryl Crow
63. Building A Mystery, Sarah McLachlan
65. Your Woman, White Town
67. Change The World, Eric Clapton
69. Tubthumping, Chumbawamba
77. Secret Garden, Bruce Springsteen
83. On and On, Erykah Badu
94. Barbie Girl, Aqua

(For the record, 36 and 63 will always make it onto my favorites list)

But now the memories of the past are going to become the my prayers for the future. Many of the people who I shared those songs and memories with, who used to profess Christ as their Lord and Saviour, no longer call on His name or walks in His ways. Some are just lukewarm (which I think is almost worse). And yet others still, hopefully myself included, are stronger than they ever were in their faith and in the knowledge of just how much God loves us. At least 12 are involved in full time ministry (or married to someone who is), are at or have been through bible college. How cool is that?

Take some time this week to think about how God has worked in your life since high school - hindsight is a wonderful gift...

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

Guide to surviving a 12 hour emotional rollercoaster

Now I may sometimes be described as emotional - but I'm not prone to crying too often in public. Particularly not on a train, in front of two of my small groups, in our student training session and not to various people whilst having coffee or in the office. So you have to think that something unusual has been going on for me for the past 24hrs.
It all started yesterday morning on my way into work (hence the train) when I got a call from my mum's personal trainer. Mmmm, ok... maybe we need to go back a little further...

So, mum has been going to a personal trainer for a little while. I'm not sure, but I think she got her out of the yellow pages or something. Turns out (by the sheer grace of God) that this woman is a Christian, and not only that, but she goes to my church and has quite a reputation for being able to bring women into bible study groups. This heaven sent woman has been talking to my mum about the Lord, since mum has apparently been asking her questions because she doesn't understand why I make the choices in life that I do. They started talking the other week about the women's retreat that CCSI has on this weekend, with mum asking if it's just for Christians, or if anyone can go along. I may be wrong, but I don't think that either of my parents have ever shown an interest in spending some serious time reading the bible - particularly not for the whole weekend, so this is a pretty amazing first step to take. The trainer called me yesterday morning to let me know that she had asked my mum to come to the women's retreat - and that mum was seriously considering it. Maybe for the weekend, maybe just for the day... we'd find out that night.

I think only those with non-Christian parents will really understand the range of emotions that were running through me at that point: the purest joy and relief at thinking that this could be it - this could be the moment that God is answering 'yes' to 15 years worth of prayers for their salvation. And also the sheer nervous terror of "what if this still isn't it?". So, overcome with emotions, I cried all throughout the day as I told some people what was going on and asked them to pray with me that she would come - and, truth be told, I cried even when not talking to others but just thinking about it on my own.

And so it was with a reasonable amount of anticipation that I went to see my folks last night. When dad asked me what I was doing on Saturday, I just sort of casually answered "oh, not really sure yet. I'm thinking about..." - and that was as far as I got before he interrupted and told me about something he and my uncle are organising for the family to do on Saturday. My heart (just like when you get to the top of a rollercoster) plummeted and bottomed out as I realised that this meant that there was no way that mum would go to the women's weekend.

So I went down to my little flat and cried some more...

Do you know that sense of disappointment? Have you felt it before when it seemed as though you were on the cusp of something truly miraculous and life changing - only to have it seemingly just fly out of your grasp? How did you think about that disappointment? How have you processed the sadness at knowing that this just isn't quite the right time?

Last night (even though it took me a while) I learned again the Jobian lesson of sitting still, and trusting in the fact that God's timing will always be better than mine. That God knows infinitely more than I will ever even glimpse at. I was reminded that God also cares more about my parents salvation than I do - and it is His sovereign choice and knowledge as to whether I will see them in Heaven. And you know what? I'll probably learn that lesson again in the not to distant future too...

Oh, and not to sound too corny or cliched - but that's my tip for surviving this type of emotional rollercoster. Sit down, strap yourself in (for the sake of those around you try not to scream too loudly) - and trust that He has the controls well in hand.

Sunday, August 13, 2006

Sideline conversations and Sunday catchups

So it's been a good weekend all-round really. But I have two main highlights to share...

Yesterday (after a long absence) I went back to watch the guys play soccer (well done Emeralds!) and whilst there had an interesting conversation with one of the players, Josh, while sitting on the sideline watching. He was telling me about how he came over to Sydney from WA, and how he had come to CCSI 6:45 and been welcomed by people, had some guys who realised that he liked sport and got him involved in the soccer team.
Basically he was extolling the virtues and the value of many people in the congregation - and it dawned on me how much I take the people that I have fellowship with every week for granted. After a dozen years, I'm used to them being there and being around so I forget how wonderful, and what a blessing, they are.

Is it just me?

It just made me think about how much I need to be thanking God for the people that I get to share fellowship with because, for all of our faults and weaknesses, they really an amazing group of people. It was just nice to be reminded of so I thought I'd share that one...

Then the other thing that I got to do this evening was go and see a much beloved friend, Julie. I've briefly mentioned her before, but for those who don't know her, this is Julie Moser - the woman who I basically credit for brining me into, and teaching me in, the ways of faith and grace through Jesus Christ.
For five years she was my bible study leader and then before heading OS and to college I did a brief stint of ministry with her (and her husband Ken) at the youth group they were at in Oakhurst - before they headed over to Vancouver to continue faithful, gospel, youth ministry there. And I miss them.
So, considering she's one of the people I value most, it was great to see her this arvo.
And now, it's back to preparing for another monday...

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

For when the roses bloom

There's something about music that will always inspire us and move us. There were two songs in particular that stood out to me the other night at Boy from Oz - so here are some reflections on them, that'll come out over the next couple of posts.

The first one was a duet between the characters of Liza Minelli and Peter Allen, titled "I'd rather leave while I'm in Love". To set the scene, they've been married for a little while, Judy Garland (her mother and the woman that brought them together in the first place) has recently died and they are both realising that Peter Allen in more attracted to someone else (a man) than he is to her. Some of the bittersweet words are:

"I'd rather leave while I'm in love
while I still believe in the meaning of the word.
I keep my dreams and just pretend,
that you and I were never meant to end.

To many times I've seen the rose die on the vine
Somebody's heart gets broken
Usually it's mine.
I don't want to take the chance
of being hurt again -
and you and I, can't say goodbye.

So if you wake and find me gone,
Just carry on - you see I need my fantasies.
I still believe, it's best to leave while I'm in love..."

The woman sitting next to me was sobbing throughout this song. I wanted to go and find a tissue for her and comfort this stranger, because I think I know where she was coming from. It's the story of too many of us isn't it? That unbelievable, excruciating pain of a heart that has been broken - and you can't ever imagine coming through to the other side of it.

But then the walls of defensiveness come up: "Somebody's heart gets broken, usually it's mine. I don't want to take the chance of being hurt again. I still believe, it's best to leave while I'm in love".

Why? Because I don't want to be the one left...? Because I don't think I could go through it again...? Because it's easier that way...?

But look again at the song and see the words of hope that are there: "while I still believe in the meaning of the word". It was a long time ago that my little heart was broken - and I still want to believe in the meaning of the word too! Don't you?

And I don't by any means want it to sound trite, but I want raise the question of how do I process these thoughts as a Christian? I ask the question because I know that God doesn't want us to be satisfied with crumbs - nor will He be satisfied with us trying to run away and hide from an emotion that He has created. For me the answer simply comes by trusting in the fact that Jesus knows more than I ever will what it means to have a heart that has been broken because the ones He loves have rejected Him. What is it for you?

Sunday, August 06, 2006

"She loves to hear the music"

It's been a long first week back on campus - but a good one. It feels as though we were able to move back into the semester quite smoothly, well, much smoother than I had anticipated anyway!

Ended well too. Friday arvo saw me finishing off a week of meetings with another NTE committee meeting at Moore College, where I got to drop in to Chappo house and see a few friends before heading home and to start doing nothing(ish) for the weekend. Saturday = a nice sleep in, gym and friends, with a similar pattern today (the simple things in life really can be the best hey?)

But the best was yet to come. Mum and Dad took me to see "The Boy From Oz" tonight - the title to this post is track 11 and it's very apt.


Hugh Jackman was brilliant in it! The whole show was great actually; both poignant & funny, Mr Jackman entertained the crowd - both scripted and un - for two and a half hours.

I have some reflections on it, but I'm tired so they'll wait for another day...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Quoteable quotes

I watched something the other night - the opening monologue for the movie (to paraphrase) goes like this:

"No woman wakes up saying 'I don't want to be swept off my feet today'...Basic principles; no matter what, no matter when, no matter who - any man can sweep any woman off her feet, he just needs the right broom..."

Do you agree?

and the movie is....?